England plays next, and let's be honest — they're going to lose on penalties. They always lose on penalties. It's the most reliable thing in sports.
Then they'll blame the weather, drink a warm beer, queue politely for the exit, and say "well, we gave it a good go." England invented this sport, won it one time in 1966, and has spent 60 years since then losing and apologizing about it over a cup of tea.
Canada tied Bosnia and acted like they won the Super Bowl. Then they apologized. To Bosnia. For tying. A Canadian will apologize to a chair he bumps into. Now please pass the maple syrup, and watch out for the moose in the parking lot.
Mexico won and set off so many fireworks the neighbors called the police, the fire department, and a seismologist. The party started Thursday and will end sometime in August. There is no last call in Mexico. There is only more.
Scotland won 1-0 and celebrated by deep-frying it. They deep-fry everything. Candy bars. Pizza. Butter. Probably the trophy. It's raining sideways, it's 4 degrees, and a Scottish man in shorts insists "it's a braw day."
Australia won while completely ignoring the snakes, spiders, sharks, and jellyfish that all live in their country and want them dead. They shortened "afternoon" to "arvo" because saying full words takes energy they'd rather spend at the barbie. No worries.
Still coming up: New Zealand (more sheep than people, and they'll remind you Lord of the Rings was filmed there before kickoff). Spain (one thousand passes, zero shots, three-hour lunch).
France (will complain, threaten to strike, and win anyway while sighing about it). Portugal (Ronaldo will make all 90 minutes about Ronaldo — SIUUUU). Argentina (will cry during the anthem and celebrate a throw-in like they cured cancer). Norway (snowing out, and they're in shorts going "pretty nice out").